“Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4

It’s no accident that in college I majored in philosophy and later earned a graduate degree in religion. Questions like, “What is the purpose of Life?” and “Why am I here?” consumed me from a young age. But there was a more urgent question which haunted me, “What happens if I get it wrong?” 

The early loss of my mother shaped my young mind, alongside my predisposition toward asking big questions. My deepest fear was that I had caused her illness. Sadly, because my religious training was insufficient, I feared eternal punishment for being a “bad girl.”

It took me a long time to unpack my distorted beliefs about myself. But those beliefs, distortions included, shaped my life in important ways. I held back from many of my “heart’s desires” out of fear of failure. I believed that whatever I took on in life, I was “on my own,” without support or help. The belief was wrong, but it kept me captive for much of my life.

Beliefs become part of our identity, a lens through which we see ourselves, others, and the world. They may be unconscious, operating like a computer program silently running in the background of our awareness. Distorted beliefs can become so ingrained that we don’t recognize them, even as they serve as a filter through which we see ourselves, others, and the world. 

Fear, trauma, depression, and pressures from family and the larger society can profoundly skew our sense of self and we lose touch with our capacity to hear the longings of our heart. A cloud descends over the heart, and we can no longer feel connected to this deeper part of ourselves, others, or the larger reality. Instead, we become fixated on chasing material things like success, property, status, money, power, attention, or approval. These perceived needs can enslave and compel us to seek more. Alas, caught in this cycle, there is never enough. 

The problem is not that we want any of these things. Money, food, shelter, work, partnership, and so on are necessary to live in the material world. The problem is that when we focus solely on acquiring these, we disconnect from our deeper self, missing out on what brings lasting joy. 

For years, I fixated on getting degrees and climbing the corporate ladder, believing this was the path to happiness. It took me years to admit that I was exhausted, unhappy, and confused, feeling that I had “missed the boat”. That state of vulnerability was the very beginning of turning inward, learning to quiet down, and listen to the voice of my heart. To my surprise, I sensed a larger Presence that I can only call God. God’s presence. This was a feeling of being loved and accepted, not because of what I do but for who I am. This is an awakening to what Thomas Merton called the “true self.”

Thomas Merton is a towering figure in Christian spirituality. The true self is a phrase he used to name the human journey toward experiencing God’s love and accepting our dependence on God for our existence and sustenance. This journey calls us to recognize our “false self,” which is the compilation of distorted beliefs about who we are and what is important in life. In the false self, we chase material realities, like money, property, and status, that, in themselves, will leave us dissatisfied because they do not satisfy the heart’s longing for spiritual connection. 

That describes my journey! As I opened to God’s presence in my life, my desire to be of service to others emerged organically. Working with several others, we created “Praying Through Grief,” a ministry for people who were grieving any form of loss. The group met weekly for six years. For me, this is an example of what theologian Frederick Buechner observed in his book, Wishful Thinking: A Seeker’s ABC:

“The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet.” 

Whether we explore the spiritual realm in religious or non-religious terms is secondary. The priority recognizes our essential spiritual nature, which we share with the whole human family. Listening to the longings of our hearts is the first step.

Buddhism and Christianity became twin pillars for me as my spiritual focus shifted. Though the languages, images, and cultures that birthed them are vastly different, Buddhist and Christian spirituality agree on two essentials. First, all human beings suffer. Each of us experiences birth, illness, and death, which cause pain. 

Second, the power of healing propels human life, and we have an enormous capacity for peace and joy. Suffering is part of every human story, but each life is more than suffering. Coming to know these truths is the essence of the spiritual journey. Christianity names the path “the way of Jesus, from crucifixion to resurrection.” Buddhism uses language passed on from the Buddha, “the path to enlightenment” or, in some Buddhist traditions, “the way of the Bodhisattva”.

Whether we follow a religious tradition, healing is not about escaping our individual suffering or comparing one suffering to another. Rather, healing invites us to examine our experiences, identify distorted thoughts and beliefs, and examine underlying patterns of anger, fear, and shame. We engage in this process trusting that we exist in a larger field of Love.

Mahayana Buddhism teaches that each of us is born with “Buddha-nature”, referring to a luminous inner quality that propels humans toward enlightenment. Hinduism (especially the Vedanta tradition) names the concept of Atman or Brahman, the inner essence of the Divine within all human beings. Christianity teaches we are “made in the image of God,” “each of us is a beloved child of God.” 

Religions from around the world agree that knowing our heart’s desires is not an intellectual matter but the province of soul or spirit; the inner realm that taps into the transcendent, the larger reality of compassion and wisdom embracing all life. This heart language may not express in words but in images, sounds, tastes, smells, or a deep knowing. 

Can you sense the spiritual dimension developing through your life? What forms does spirituality take for you?  

If you are not comfortable with traditional religious language, use words (or images) that better name the larger reality in which you have faith, for example, Universal Love, Spirit, Tao, or Shalom. The point is to recognize a transcendent reality that connects us to one another, moving us toward compassionate wisdom. 

How do we engage in this journey to discover our heart’s desire? Here are some suggestions.

Have a notebook and pen in hand. Ask yourself, “What are the desires of my heart?” And, “How have my desires changed?” Sit quietly for a few minutes and see what comes. In your notebook, write everything that you notice.

Next, ask yourself, “What keeps me from living into my heart’s desire? Again, sit quietly and notice what comes: words and phrases, as well as images, body sensations, sounds, and impulses. Notice, too, if memories come up. In your notebook, write everything that you notice.

Next, investigate what you’ve written to find beliefs about yourself and the world that may keep you from knowing or following your heart’s desires. For example, beliefs like, “I never get what I want.” Or, “People won’t like me if they really get to know me.” Or, “I’m afraid that if I get what I want, something bad will happen.” 

In your notebook, write what you discover about your beliefs. Take each of your beliefs and list the situations in which the belief seems true. Then challenge yourself to consider the opposite belief. Are there examples when the opposite belief is true? For example, if you believe, “I never get what I want,” can you remember times when you received what you wanted? This practice of considering when the opposite of our beliefs is true can be deeply rewarding.

Are there ways in which you hold back from your faith? For example, you may believe in God, yet hold back from a living relationship with God. If that is true for you, investigate your experience. “How do I hold back? How could I re-ignite my relationship with God (or other word/phrase)?” Write your responses in your notebook.

You might experiment with a new form of prayer. For example, a daily or weekly practice of writing prayers, or writing your worries, fears, concerns and asking God (Spirit, the Universe) to hold them. You might create a piece of artwork (painting, drawing, sculpture). Or might engage your body through dance or yoga, or gentle stretching, walking, or other physical movement. 

Today, at 71 years old, I am grateful for satisfying work, a lifelong partnership with my husband, and two beautiful children. These children have grown, married, and birthed four children. Becoming a grandmother is a life-changing evolution and trememdous joy! I am excited to build a relationship with each grandchild.

I am healthy, enjoying retirement, and living in a nature-filled location. Maintaining this blog gives me a sense of purpose, contributing positively to our chaotic public square, expressing my deep care for language, the inner journey, and my love of writing. And, I continue to discover additional aspects of my heart’s desire.

Today, we are living through one of the most chaotic times in our history, where we are grappling with enormous political chaos and confusion. This question, “What is my heart’s desire?” takes on new urgency. I’m not sure where the question will lead me, but desires can shift and change, no matter our age. This essay, offering reflections on how to approach the question, is my task for today. I long to do something more directly, but exactly what remains elusive. Clarity will emerge over time… I need only hold the question with an open heart.  

Joy is our birthright. Connecting with our heart’s desires opens us to joy. Still, as Buddha observed, each life carries its own form of suffering, for we all experience sickness, illness, injury, and death, and joy may seem elusive. 

And yet, in times of suffering, joy seeps in and leads us forward when we stay close to our hearts. We discover through this deep inner connection with others that we are not alone, no matter how alone we may feel. We tap into the wisdom and compassion that fuel this extraordinary web of Life connecting us all. Christianity calls this “resurrection.”

At the conclusion of Dante’s Divine Comedy, he reaches the highest point of Heaven after traveling through purgatory and hell, and proclaims:

“… already my desire and my will were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed, by the Love that moves the sun and the stars.”

May we enjoy the journey into Love!