“Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”   (Proverbs 4:23)

My mother suffered from severe mental illness. As a toddler, I remember sitting huddled in a corner watching my mother talk to figures that I did not see or hear. Daily activities like preparing food, washing dishes, getting dressed were chaotic episodes as my mother straddled multiple realities. I watched intensely, with a mix of curiosity, confusion, and fear. I was four when my mother went into a mental institution, the first of several cycles over years of disappearance and return. Each time she returned home, she was more distant. 

Grandma Polly (my father’s mother) came to live with me when I was seven. (I introduced Grandma Polly in 2/9/23 post: https://incarnation-place.com/2023/02/09/beginning-to-question/)  She was a wonderful woman who lavished me with affection and attention, which I desperately needed. Grandma Polly was a “cradle” (lifelong) Episcopalian who never went outside without wearing white gloves and a pearl necklace. Each night she would kneel with me at the edge of the bed and say the “Lord’s Prayer.” Then I would crawl into bed, and, as she tucked me in, Grandma Polly whispered in my ear, “Now Amy, tomorrow I want you to be a good little girl so that you will go to Heaven.” The alternative hung in the air: “If you are bad, you will go to eternal hell!”

Grandma Polly meant well. She was a “faithful” Christian and was merely passing on the teachings given to her. This generous woman would not intentionally hurt me. But her message terrified me! I was sure that I would never be “good enough”, that I would go to eternal hell. 

Young children need to understand their world. And when things don’t make sense, they invent stories to explain it, and to create some sense of agency. As a child of a mentally ill mother, the story that I created was that I caused my mother’s illness because I was bad. I was unforgivable. I believed this story with every fiber of my being. 

The weight of fear became the foundation of my sense of identity; the lens through which I experienced life. I could not let the fear go. As I grew up, I became fearful of my mind, that I might become ill like my mother. Quite a burden for a young life!

Of course, this story I told myself wasn’t true. I had nothing to do with causing my mother’s illness. Through the years, well-meaning friends, therapists, and spiritual advisors told me my fears were misplaced. Their intentions were good, and they spoke the truth. But it was a truth that I could not hear. My belief that I caused my mother’s illness and fears about my sanity were threads that kept me tied to my mother, that kept her presence close.

Years later, as an adult, I shared my fears with a close friend. She suggested I try “Centering Prayer”, a form of Christian meditation which was outlined in the book, Open Mind, Open Heart, by Thomas Keating, founder of the practice. I had recently returned to Christianity after a long absence and was eager to deepen my faith. 

Keating’s book became a trustworthy guide and introduced me to the rich terrain of Christian spirituality that I never heard in church. Centering Prayer helped me turn my attention inward, learning to trust that God’s Presence was within me, within each of us. This book became a friend, as if Keating were writing just for me. I continued practicing Centering Prayer for several months.

One of the gifts of the gifts of meditative practice is that feelings — including unconscious feelings — surface. In my Centering Prayer practice, grief around my mother’s loss began to surface. Initially, the practice was a powerful support to feel and move through these feelings. 

But as the months went by, I kept hitting an inner brick wall. Old fears that I was bad and caused my mother’s illness haunted me. I kept asking how can I believe God’s love when I fear God will condemn me if I don’t behave well. I was struggling with the question, “How can I trust God?” I sought teachers of Centering Prayer and asked for help. Their advice: “Have faith, keep practicing.” This didn’t help. Other practitioners of Centering Prayer may encounter have this same struggle.

Centering Prayer assumes faith in God, and Jesus Christ as the focus of faith. For me, there was no room in Centering Prayer for the very fears that haunted me about God, fears that led me to Centering Prayer in the first place. The question is whether Centering Prayer practice can accommodate these kinds of fears and doubts. I suspect that it can.

(In fairness, my Centering Prayer experiences were in the early 1990’s when the practice was just emerging. Thomas Keating and some of his monastic colleagues were the only teachers. Since then, Centering Prayer has grown tremendously, many more teachers are available today, and a well established organization exists as clearing house of information. More information is given at the end of this post.)  

The deeper problem isn’t so much rooted in Centering Prayer as in Christian teaching that demands that Christians believe what they are told to believe because they are told to believe it. We do not encourage Christians to ask questions about what the scriptural story of Jesus Christ means, how it affects daily life, and how the realities of this story translate into the experience of the Presence (or absence) of God. We do not guide Christians in how to explore the truth of Christian teachings, or how to distinguish true versus false beliefs, or how to live in the presence of mystery. 

Buddhist teacher Sharon Salzberg makes this piercing observation:

”Faith, in contrast to belief, is not a definition of reality, not a received answer, but an active, open state that makes us willing to explore. While beliefs comes to us from outside — from another person or a tradition or heritage — faith comes from within, from our alive participation in the process of discovery.” (Faith, p. 67) Christian teaching seems to dread this process of discovery! 

This was the backdrop for my entry into Buddhist practice. (3/15/23 post: https://incarnation-place.com/2023/03/15/a-christian-finds-buddhism/ ) 

Buddhism, without using the language and imagery of “God” offers Christians an opportunity to challenge the separation between God and God’s creation, between who God is and who we are. And to explore questions like, “Who is God?”, “Who am I in a relationship with God?”, “How do I recognize God?”; “How do I grow in trust in God and access His strength in daily life?” 

Perhaps more important, Buddhism offers the freedom to explore doubts about these matters without fear of recrimination. This process leads to a greater sense of integrity, inner strength, and seeds of an authentic faith that many Christians yearn for.

This exploration is not merely an intellectual exercise, though intellectual understanding may be helpful. Rather, this is a journey to cultivate wisdom. In the ancient text, Proverbs, we hear: 

“Do not forsake Wisdom, and she will protect you;  

love her, and she will watch over you.” (Proverbs 4: 6)

“Wisdom” points toward knowing “from the heart”; knowledge that we know to be true “in our bones.” Wisdom may include intellectual or conceptual understanding, but wisdom comes from the deepest core of our inner being. The message from scripture is that this heart-based wisdom (akin to “soul”), is the interior landscape where we meet God, where we experience God’s Presence within us. Our capacity to receive the wisdom of the heart is built into the fabric of who we human beings are.

Opening to wisdom, to the inner heart, is central to the spiritual journey and the purpose of Centering Prayer. But without the freedom to question teachings and beliefs, Christians cannot fully explore the meaning of their faith. For me, Buddhism opens wide the doors, inviting me in to explore the full terrain of my inner heart, with all my questions, doubts, and fears. This journey into “heart wisdom” is like learning a new language, a language that changes how we experience ourselves and the world. 

Buddhist practice continues to support me toward a living faith that awakens to the power and beauty at the core of Christianity, and to acknowledge the deep distortions of this truth. When we dare to hear the Wisdom that pulsates beneath the surface, a deeper experience of the Living Christ is available, calling to each of us, welcoming us home. A new Christianity is forming amidst the ashes of what came before. It’s like discovering a great treasure that is buried in the basement. I awaken to the Living Christ within me, not as mere belief but as a life-changing, life-affirming experience, an experience that strengthens, day by day, year after year. This is a journey worth fighting for. 

RESOURCES 

Christian forms of meditation and yoga are widely available that are widely available through on-line and in person groups, workshops, retreats, and books:

Centering Prayer. A form of Christian meditation, developed by Fr. Thomas Keating, who was a well-known priest and Trappist monk. Today Centering Prayer training and practice groups are widely available online and in many parishes. Open Mind, Open Heart by Thomas Keating is the foundational that explains the practice and provides the context for understanding contemplative prayer in the Christian tradition. Keating was a prolific author and has written several other books about Christian life and practice. Books by other authors, as well as video and audio recordings, are widely available. For more information, see the website: centeringprayer.com. 

Center for Christian Contemplation and Action (CCCA). Founded by Franciscan priest Richard Rohr, CCCA offerings teachings, programs, and resources that bring together contemplative practice and action in the world. Their vision is: “Transformed people working together for a more just and connected world.” Richard Rohr is a prolific author who has worked tirelessly to name a vision of the Living Christ that we have yet to grasp. For more information, see the website:  https://cac.org/ 

Christians Practicing Yoga (CPY). CPY is a community founded in 2001 that was inspired by Prayer of Heart and Body, by the Paulist priest Fr. Thomas Ryan. This book was one of the first that offered a way of integrating Christian faith and yoga. Guided by Fr. Tom, a small group formed, to offer retreats and classes based on the book. Slowly the group grew and evolved. Today CPY is a global community of teachers and students. CPY continues to explore the intersection of Christian language, theology, and imagery with the ancient discipline and practice of yoga. This ministry is a prophetic witness to the wonder and beauty of the human body as an expression of God’s creation. CPY offers training and other resources for anyone interested in exploring this intersection. For more information, see the website: https://www.christianspracticingyoga.com/