“… I have now seen the One who sees me…”  (Genesis 16:13)

All of us long to be seen. Being seen is relational. It requires another to be the “seer”. When people see us, they actively listen, they hear us. We understand we matter, that someone cherishes us.

We are naturally wired with the longing to be seen, beginning in childhood. Children learn to know themselves through the reflection of their adult caregivers — including parents, teachers, coaches, and others. When our caregivers see us well, they provide a sturdy platform for us to become healthy adults. But if our caregivers do not see us well, our sense of ourselves suffers. We may become fiercely critical of ourselves and others, overly responsible, and perfectionistic. Shame, depression, and loneliness may become companions, no matter the actual circumstances of our lives.

Our longing to be seen is not only a childhood need. Adults need to be seen as well. Relationships flourish when we genuinely see one another. This is true in partnerships of all kinds, among family members, friends, co-workers, and neighbors. When someone sees us, our hearts open and reveal our secret longings. This is sacred terrain. Howard Thurman writes:

“The secrets of the heart are the raw material of the genuine spirit of the individual. They are the stuff of the Spirit that dwells deep within each one of us.” (Howard Thurman, Meditations of the Heart, Beacon Press, Boston, page 199)

We can think about seeing and the longing to be seen in our animal friends. For example, I walk down the street and pass someone walking their dog. The dog may approach me, looking to be seen, to be acknowledged. This may be a pat on the head, or a scratch under the chin, or a gentle stroking of the back. Being seen by our animal friends works the other way too. I had a dog friend who intuitively knew when I need his companionship. If I was sad, he would jump up on the couch and cuddle up with me. 

The secrets of the heart may include desires about the future or regrets about the past. We may have long buried these secrets of the heart, especially if others have dismissed or neglected us. Trauma of any kind, at any age, shuts down the heart. Yet the longing to be seen never goes away, no matter how deeply hidden. 

My parents meant well. They loved me and gave me many gifts: love of reading, concern for others, hunger for learning. They encouraged me to help make the world better for others. While my family lived through financial struggles, there was always enough money for food, rent, and a new pair of sneakers when the old ones wore out.

But trauma cast a dark cloud. My mother’s mental illness and eventual disappearance left me with a sense of loneliness, of being abandoned and confused. My father’s alcoholism and failed second marriage pierced me. I became hyper-vigilant, overly responsible for others, trying desperately to please in order to feel safe. I emerged from childhood with deep scars.

I began drinking alcohol in my early teens. Initially, drinking was a way to relax and be social. Over time, drinking became a requirement, no longer a choice. Alcohol kept buried powerful emotions, like fear, anger, and grief.

Years went by before I could admit that I needed help. The gift of recovery came to me and changed my life. Looking back, I recognize that my deepest longing was to be seen, heard, and cherished. Recovery brought this gift of being seen as I had never known. Recovery also showed me how to offer this gift to others. 

And the cycle continues. As I open my heart to seeing others, my heart opens to myself as well. I discover more of what brings me joy and fulfillment. Recently, I spent a few weeks with my grandchildren. They are growing up in a loving home, with attentive parents who set boundaries. As a result, these children are delightfully free to express their desires, creativity, and enthusiasm for life. They know they are worthy of love, of life. They are a joy to behold!

This deep longing to be seen propels us — children and adults — toward life, awakening to the aliveness of life. We live authentically, in line with the values we hold dear, because we know that someone sees, loves, and cherishes us. This is a gift that we can quietly offer to one another, a gift that honors the goodness of humanity. 

FOR REFLECTION

~ Reflecting on your life, is there a relationship in which you did not feel seen, heard, and cherished? How has this relationship affected your life?

~ Reflect on a relationship in which you did (or do) feel seen, heard, and cherished. How has this relationship shaped you?

~ Consider offering the gift of being seen this day. Perhaps you can offer this gift to someone you know, a neighbor, friend, or family member. Or, to a stranger whom you pass on the street or in the grocery store. Or turn the gift of being seen to yourself. 

Offer any reflections or comments in the comments section below.