“Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge…” (Psalm 16:1)

I am a lifelong Christian. Finding refuge in God was a familiar phrase, threading through scripture. For instance, “… God is my rock, in whom I take refuge…” (Psalm 18:2); “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble”; (Psalm 46:1); “Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of Your wings…” (Psalm 36:7) These beautiful words convey a sense of safety and comfort, of God shielding us from danger. 

But hearing the words differs from experiencing refuge in God. For me, and perhaps like many of you, finding refuge in God did not come easily. The experience of refuge requires trust, and, for much of my life, trust was in short supply. Growing up, my family life was chaotic, dominated by my mother’s mental illness, and my father’s desperate attempts to support her, care for me, and pay the rent. Behind the scenes lay the traumatic experiences of my Russian and Irish grandparents, who fled from violence, seeking safety in America. 

I was born in the 1954. News reports of one assassination after another filled the nightly news. Television brought funerals of public figures, like John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, and Martin Luther King, into my living room. I felt part of the thousands of people who lined the streets. Images from the Vietnam War dominated the airwaves, along with heated debates about American involvement, and fears of nuclear war.

Without trust, I excelled at being “self-reliant.” This is code for trying to control life, figure things out for myself and avoid asking for help. Self-reliance is not refuge. Rather, self-reliance is a way of living in fear — of the world, others, and God. Refuge means stepping beyond our own boundaries to reach out for shelter and guidance. It is the opposite of control. 

I came into adulthood riddled with fear. I feared God, other people, and Life itself. I carried distorted beliefs formed in childhood, feeling responsible for the problems in my family. I concluded that my family’s suffering was God’s way of punishing me and assumed that I was not good enough for God’s love. 

I was also full of idealism, believing in a future world of peace and love. This was the world that poured through the music of Peter Paul and Mary, Bob Dylan, and Judy Collins. I desperately wanted to believe in the God who “…will wipe every tear from their eyes….” (Revelation, 21:4) But that God seemed very distant. The God that I knew was a punishing, vindictive God. 

So what happened? How did I learn to trust God, to experience finding refuge in God? And to know finding refuge as a precious gem of faith?

In my early 30’s, I discovered Buddhist meditation as a doorway to the transformative power of Christ. The language of “taking refuge” is a central theme in Buddhism. Buddhist teaching emphasizes that, as human beings, we all need “refuge”. Life confronts each one of us with situations and challenges that overwhelm and push us beyond our limits. We need help beyond our ordinary sense of self to face these challenges.

Buddhist teaching refers to three forms of refuge, including taking refuge in “the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha”. These are called “the three jewels.” For Christians, the meaning of these three forms of refuge maps easily to familiar Christian concepts. Refuge in the Buddha is akin to having faith in Jesus Christ; refuge in the Dharma (teachings) is akin to trusting the truth of Holy Scripture; and refuge in the Sangha is much like depending on the local parish community.  

I began attending Buddhist meditation retreats. These retreats offered long stretches of silent meditation. To my surprise, familiar memories of Christian experience floated through my mind. There were references to scripture, including specific phrases and images, like:

At first, I tried to get rid of these, as if they were “enemies” from the past. With the meditation teacher’s guidance, I learned to accept that these memories are a normal part of meditation. They were a familiar part of my history in church life and naturally arose during meditation. I experienced a new depth of meaning in this familiar language. Outside the retreat setting, I took refuge in these words, phrases and images. They became like golden nuggets lighting my path. 

Over the years, my fears about myself and God transformed. Distorted beliefs that my family problems were my fault faded. I accepted those beliefs were merely a child trying to make sense of a confusing world. My trust in God’s love for me grew and my faith in God deepened. 

I explored Christian methods of meditation and came to Centering Prayer. Centering Prayer is a method of offering a contemplative meditation practice to lay people, created by Thomas Keating. Keating was a Catholic priest, theologian and Trappist monk, as well as a prolific writer. Many of Keating’s books have become modern classics. He supports readers in building a loving relationship with the Divine and helps them identify barriers to that relationship.

Keating’s words perfectly described my experience: 

“The Christian spiritual path is based on a deepening trust in God. It is trust that first allows us to take that initial leap in the dark, to encounter God at deeper levels of ourselves. And it is trust that guides the intimate refashioning of our being, the transformation of our pain, roundedness, and unconscious motivation into the person that God intended us to be… Because trust is so important, our spiritual journey may be blocked if we carry negative attitudes toward God from early childhood. If we are afraid of God or see God as an angry father-figure, a suspicious policeman, or a harsh judge, it will be hard to develop enthusiasm, or even an interest, in the journey.” (Thomas Keating, Intimacy with God, p. 1)

Slowly, I began to trust God, to surrender my distorted beliefs, attachments to control, fear and resentment. This surrender is life-giving. It allows me to trust, and to find refuge. Today I find refuge in God, like feeling a safe port in the storm. Finding refuge in God is like an arrow of faith. Some days the arrow is more a bolt of lightning; other days the arrow is more of a gentle breeze. However it shows up, finding refuge in God anchors me. I receive comfort, strength, and guidance that help me move through daily life. Finding refuge in God allows me to trust God, no matter what Life may bring.

We live in complex times, in our country, communities, and the world. Much of our political and social discourse is steeped in division. We don’t take time to listen to each other, especially those who hold opinions different from ours. Others, especially those who hold opinions different from ours, become “enemies”. Our words become weapons to silence others. Alas, religious language can create further division, to cause harm rather than heal. May the ancient words of the prophet Isaiah offer a more creative vision of finding refuge in God:

QUESTIONS FOR REFLECTION

What does “finding refuge in God” mean to you? Does it come easily to you? Or, do you struggle to find refuge in God? What hinders you from finding refuge in God? What helps you find refuge in God? 

If you like, post your responses to these questions in the comments section.